Dear future husband – eight categories of internet dater

Dear future husband,

I’ve been exploring the tinterweb and looking closer at the strange world of online dating. I’ve used these sites on and off for about two years and whilst it hasn’t yet led me to you, it has introduced me to a number of ‘interesting’ characters. Perhaps it’s just Hampshire, where your future wife currently stomps about cracking cheesy jokes, quoffing wine and occasionally spilling food down herself but I suspect not.

Maybe you’ve been online yourself and will relate to my experiences. As part of my investigations I’ve carved up the jungle into broadly eight categories of male online species – I hope you can learn something from them!

1. Mr Motivator

Photo choice: the topless selfie in the bathroom mirror seems to be a favourite with these guys, either with a towel wrapped around the hips or boxers riding dangerously low. 

Interests: “gym”, or statements like “keeping in shape is important to me, I like my girl to take care of her body too and want to be treated like a princess”.

Opening liner: “Hey”, “sup beautiful” or “hey like you pics”.

Response: none to message but it’s fun to see how many loos with the seat up you can spot in the back of the selfie or there are one’s literally taken in a urinal. Gross, gross, gross!

Lesson: I’ve now become a real snob with regard to people’s shower curtains. FYI I also like to enjoy eating without feeling like I’m stepping out of line and the princess thing is a tad nauseating.

2. Mr World

Photo choice: photo with a tiger, stood atop Machu Picchu, sky diving or posing with some African orphans having just painted a rainbow on a school wall.

Interests: world peace, travelling with profile including what seems like a list of every place ever stopped at, omitting only M5 service stations.

Opening liner: something wildly elaborate – like suggesting we steal a pedalo together and pedal to Bora Bora, dodging shark attacks on the way then drift ashore and have a picnic together with peanut butter and jam sandwiches.

Response: will give this category a chance.

Lesson: sign me up for Bora Bora and I do love peanut butter, however the reality of these righteous dudes so far has been less adventure, more “Gap-yah” bore and being regaled with stories of how he ‘found himself’ in some jungle. Neeext!

3. Mr Pent-up-rage

Photo choice: variable – he is a man of many masks.

Interests: an ingrained hatred of women, this guy will use statements like “show me there are some decent genuine girls out there” and it’s clear from his profiles that he’s got more baggage than Gatwick. This censored profile extract of negativity sums him up well.

“i am NOT on here for messing around….i dont play games and i dont expect them back…. i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me as i know everyone has been hurt, i just want to be honest with u all.  i am quite funny as i do av a type if that offends… sorry I don’t like overweight girls…. i have a good heart alot of friends and wil do anything for anyone but take the [wee wee] u can [flump] right off, had enough [excrement] in my life… yes im a bit harsh but i say it the way it is and if ppl dont like it thats tough. happy fishing xxxxxxxxx mwah”

Yikes! Well I’m running scared.

Opener liner: usually a short cut and paste job, (see category 7: Mr Uninspiring).

Response: if you’ve not done tinterweb dating you might think not replying to messages is a bit rude, I started out with that view too. I initially thanked each person for the message and wished the sender good luck for future but found this usually resulted in:

a) a sea change and snotogram back ranting about women and saying how ugly/picky/stuck up I am; or

b) persistent messaging to get you to change your mind.

Lesson: The established protocol across the web, as harsh as it sounds, is that wherever there Mr Pent-up-rage may lurk its safest just not to respond at all – no likey no lighty.

4. Mr Luvvaluvva

Photo choice: selfie of some description, likely to be topless, sometimes creepily no photo at all.

Interests: one objective only.

Opening liner: an invitation for some hanky panky or, if very unfortunate, a photo of an unwelcome part of the anatomy (thankfully never happened to me).

Response: feign utter naivety and wait for the tumble weed, I was nearly crying when I penned this!

Hmm… Funnily enough I got no reply…

Lesson: avoid like the plague!!

5. Mr Anonymous

Photo choice: none

Interests: profile simply reads “ask me” i.e. I can’t be bothered to think up some fake hobbies or I’m too busy being creepy and playing with my warhammer.

Opening liner: “Hey I really like your profile, I haven’t got my camera lead to put up a photo yet but hopefully will get be able to put one up soon”.

Hmm… yeah and I burp butterflies.

Then you get the downright weird…

I don’t doubt he’s more than meets the eye but personally I’d rather not see! SOS!

Reply: none.

Lesson: Delete!!

6. Mr Smooth

Photo choice: posing next to his lexus, in a tux or on a yacht.

Interests: skiing, sailing, yoga, formula one or martial arts etc. all very reasonable pursuits. These guys give it the whole blasé “I’m new to this and giving it a try for a laugh” and are clearly uncomfortable with admitting they’re online dating. The profiles go onto list a string of adjectives about themselves and go to great lengths to paint a picture of the Wolf of Wall Street. These hotshots have a smug sense of entitlement and want you to feel like a date might be them doing you a favour. No thanks!

Opening liner: varies but generally assured with not too many questions.

Response: depends on the circumstances.

Lesson: tried dating this type before and can be fun for a short while, Mr Smooth usually makes a good sparring partner in a debate (depending on the ego) but is not a great pairing for me in terms of balance and someone to generally be a bit silly with. I hope we can always be silly together.

7. Mr Uninspiring

Photo choice: pure selfies mostly taken at computer desk or on sofa, not smiling and looking thoroughly melancholy.

Interests: a massive hedge better with statements including “I enjoy going out with friends but also like nights in. I can be outgoing and fun but also thoughtful and quiet sometimes.”

Mind blowing.

Opening liner: the ever probing “you ok?” or “having a good day?” or a patently cut and paste job sent to 1000s of girls and sometimes to you twice because he’s forgotten he’s already sent you it.

Response: none or kindly point out how unimaginative he is being:

Of course there is no guarantee it will be taken on board…!

Lesson: best ignored altogether or these uninspiring types can either become a persistent or sometimes turn into a Mr Pent-up-rage. I hope you have more imagination and less rage.

8. Mr Right

Photo choice: activities and a penchant for silly costumes are usually a win, not one for selfies or topless shots.

Interests: preferably outdoorsy and sporty, with good banter so that we can bounce off one another, an adventurous streak and sense of mischief is ideal.

Opening liner: something that will make me laugh and is thoughtful showing a genuine interest in what I’m about.

Lesson: I’ll let you know when you turn up.

Yours curiously,

Alice